Mr. and Mrs. Hamburglar to Speak at Republican National Convention: McDonaldland Residents Weigh In

Nearly two months after the now-infamous Mr. and Mrs. Hamburglar stepped onto the manicured lawn of their McMansion and threatened Black Lives Matter protesters with weapons, the couple has agreed to speak at the U.S. Republican National Convention. McDonaldland residents had not anticipated this glaring and sometimes unwelcome spotlight. Prominent community members and everyday citizens weigh in:

Ronald McDonald
After spending their youth nabbing hamburgers and time and time again being foiled by me and the good citizens of McDonaldland, the Hamburglars have graduated to an Un-Fun obsession with their own hamburgers, indeed their Hamburger Mansion, being stolen from them. I tried my best to point the Hamburglars in the right direction, toward a place of Lovin’ It below the Golden Arches, but instead they have grown more hateful in their middle age. Indeed, they now project their own stifled desire to return to crime on the peaceful protesters begging only that they not be charged, tried, and executed on the street by police. The Ronald McDonald of yesteryear would say that we all need to work together and make a Happy Meal of the world, but middle-aged Ronald McDonald has seen the true face of McDonaldland and offers now only one call: No Justice. No Peace.

Oh boy, do I feel sad that Mr. and Mrs. Hamburglar waved those guns at those nice people. Grimace loves everybody. Grimace never wanted to see his old friends become new villains. Grimace says charge Breonna Taylor’s killers. Grimace says No Allies, Only Accomplices. Grimace says Black Lives Matter.

Officer Big Mac
The Hamburglars had every right to defend themselves from the terrorists walking through THEIR land. Did you know they were headed to Mayor McCheese’s McMansion? They were going to bully him, too. How UnMcDonald.

Mayor McCheese
Every community faces hardships, and McDonaldland is no different. In these hard times, we must work together! It’s a good time for the great taste of peace and unity!

Hamburglar Jr.
Rabble Rabble Hee Hee. Rabble! Rabble rabble rabble! Hee Hee. Hee rabble rabble. Hee. Hee. HEE!
(the editors have chosen not to translate this one. It isn’t really print-appropriate.)

Fry Kids
We used to be like the Hamburglars when we were little, too, snatching up everybody’s fries. We understand where the Hamburglars came from, but like everybody else from the good ol’ Wacky years, we grew up. Fry Kids are now Fry Adults, and Fry Adults know that there is no excuse for what the Hamburglars did. Please, we plead the Hamburglars, reconsider your stance. You have been given a platform by the party who put kids (not fry kids, human kids) in cages! The party who refused to remove a self-interested fool from the White House! Fry Kids say no to four more years of hatred. Please, Hamburglars, be on the right side of history.

The RNC? Who cares. I’m ready to burn this shit down.

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