Nearly two months after the now-infamous Mr. and Mrs. Hamburglar stepped onto the manicured lawn of their McMansion and threatened Black Lives Matter protesters with weapons, the couple has agreed to speak at the U.S. Republican National Convention. McDonaldland residents had not anticipated this glaring and sometimes unwelcome spotlight. Prominent community members and everyday citizens […]
As baristas, servers, store clerks, and liquor store attendants, we are always beholden to you and the grand complexity of your life, because ours is a vacuum waiting to be filled.
BEWARE! Your Tinder Date may actually be a federal agent looking to disappear you for practicing your First Amendment rights! Spread the word! Signs that he is IN FACT here to throw you into an unmarked van: His profile pic looks like this: sport sunglasses, baseball cap, and a black polo unbuttoned just far enough […]
Happy National Ice Cream Day! For your enjoyment, here are eight new Social Justice-flavored recipes that are, unfortunately, fictitious. This list was inspired by Ben & Jerry’s statement on George Floyd’s murder. 1. No Modern Slavery Four Berry – Orange Sherbet with strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, and the abolition of the prison-industrial complex. Prison Labor […]
A Message from an Apartment Manager Who’s Really Excited to Have You as a Tenant As Long As You’re Not Poor, Orphaned, Estranged from Your Family, A Freelance Worker, or Otherwise *Undesirable*
Though we lease out low-value, oft-infested apartments at remarkably high prices, and our entire monetary wealth depends on forcing you, wealth-less grubs, to pay our monthly mortgages plus some, we have your best interests at heart.
Consider this letter a well-meaning appeal to our common humanity, written with all the love and understanding of a concerned citizen who implores you to please, maybe, possibly consider wearing a mask when you leave your home.
1 Dear writer, Thank you for the opportunity to read your work. Unfortunately, your short story, “The Greatest Witch Hunt,” does not suit our needs at this time. Sincerely, The Editor * * * Dear so-called “Editor,” You may not know this, or maybe you do, I don’t know, but “The Greatest Witch Hunt” is […]
An Open Letter to Those Who Oppose “Justice” and “Open Debate” from a Bunch of White Writers for Some Reason
A movement of insubordination—I mean insurrection. (Oof, sorry, we get those mixed up.) You—followers, readers, writers—have turned against your childhood favorites to demand that we (checks notes) simply stop spreading hatred and violence against marginalized people.
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